10 Lessons I Learned In 2017 - The Best Worst Year Of My Life To Date

Ahh 2018…what a privilege it is to welcome you.

2017 was a tumultuous one - interestingly not just for myself, but also the majority of people I have spoken to including friends, family, acquaintances and strangers.

For myself, my big "theme" for 2017 was dealing with my perception of love and loss. Directly through the break up with my first love, and indirectly through the sudden loss of a very dear family friend.


Not easy themes to deal with by any means, and certainly not in combination - although as I realised - the two tend go hand in hand: the greater the love - the greater the feeling of loss.

I am aware I live a very privileged life, for which I am deeply grateful every day, and I often thought "get over yourself Julia, people have far tougher things to deal with than you with your heartbreak", but as a friend reminded me - you should never compare your struggles with those of others. 

And she is totally right. Each and every one of us has their own struggles to deal with, and we do what we can to get through - hopefully stronger and wiser than before.

So with the New Year well and truly under way, and feeling like I have got through - it seemed only fitting to take a post to reflect upon the ten key lessons I learned about life, love and loss - and ultimately myself, during the course of 2017.

I wanted to note these lessons here firstly as a reminder to myself, as I know if I would write these in some notebook they will be forgotten about and decluttered in the next cull, and I hope I will add to these over the years - as I am sure I may also change my mind again about of few of these precepts - and secondly, to share them with you.

Because even though most of them we may have read or heard before by people who have learned these lessons before me, I figure love and loss is something most people will have to deal with, and perhaps there will be one that resonates with you too, and maybe even help if your 2017 was a bit of a shitter too.
 
Perhaps you will relate to some, or question others, or perhaps they will just make you think and figure out your own:


Lesson One: We are all alone - YOU are the only person you can rely on
This was perhaps the biggest lesson of 2017. Yes, this is a bold one - but before you go thinking "oh dear, the Fraeulein has lost all faith in humanity", I would like to propose quite the contrary.
 
While this was a somewhat sobering realisation, I remember reading a poignant quote (which of course I can no longer remember!) along the lines of: only once you have learned to truly rely on nobody but yourself, have you grown up. 
 
Because the reality is, none of us know when family, friends or our loved ones that we count on for (emotional) support will disembark the "train of life", and while it is only natural to grieve that, and feel like a part of us goes with them, we still owe it to ourselves to look after us.

So after the initial "shock" of realising that nobody but myself could help me get through the pain I was feeling, I actually found this to be very liberating. So I guess I "grew up", because as I discovered, there lies great power in the knowledge that throughout my life, all that will remain a guaranteed constant to rely on, will be myself, and that is enough. 

Because as Joseph Campbell so greatly put it: "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." 


Lesson Two: Learning about the value and "anatomy" of trust - Trust has to be earned & depends on reliability
While I have yet to read Brene Brown's books, her talk on "The Anatomy of Trust" (originally a TED Talk I believe) caused me to re-evaluate all my relationships.

I was always very quick to trust people as I tend to only see the best in them, thus believing my trust will be reciprocated. Unfortunately more often than not this was not the case, which caused me a lot of grief and disappointment due to that trust being broken.

Thanks to Brown I gained a new appreciation for the value of trust, as it is something that should be earned - not given freely, takes time, and is usually built through the "little things" (e.g. to this day I remember who messaged me to wish me good luck, when I had to run my first PR event by myself!)

Brown's anatomy has given me a checklist of sorts, to evaluate whether or not I consider someone trustworthy, and whether I consider it worth "braving" connection with that person. Sure, there is still always a chance I will get burned, but I figure it is a much more calculated risk.


Lesson Three: People do not treat you as you are, they treat you as they are
Of course I believe in what goes around comes around and ultimately, if you treat other beings like shit, that will come back to bite you. However I still used to take it quite personally and really take it to heart when people (usually strangers) got snappy with me.
 
Now I just think: that is because of who they are and not my problem. While we shouldn't take our frustrations and anger out on other people, we are only human and all have our bad days. 

So now I try and have a little graciousness and no longer take such things to heart, and if I really feel like pushing the boat out, I try being kind to them - kinder than necessary. 

 
Lesson Four: You cannot fully love someone if you do not love yourself - viceversa: You have to love yourself before you can truly & fully love someone else
For me this kind of ties back into number 1 - I believe we cannot rely on anyone else to "fix" ourselves - that part we have to figure out on our own.

While someone may come along and inspire us to want to become a better version of ourselves - ultimately it is still up to ourselves to make it happen. And in the meantime we need to love and trust ourselves.


Lesson Five: I love to run and salty water is the best "therapy" for me
Be it in the form of sweating it out in a combat class, swimming in the ocean or ideally: a beach run, followed by an ocean swim - these are the only times I feel like my body has a chance to "catch up" with my usually racing mind - to "switch off" in a way, and gain the most clarity.


Lesson Six: I have a good brain - I want to use it for good
While I suppose I was considered "intelligent" at school, for some reason ever since then I felt like for a while I stopped learning - about things that mattered anyway - and perhaps even "dumbed" myself down a bit. What for I have no idea, but I've decided that nonsense has to stop!

Thanks to my break up I have regained a whole chunk of time for reading which had dwindled down to about a book a year. For a while I thought to myself that reading was an escape of sorts, which I suppose if you only read fiction then it might be, but add a healthy dose of non-fiction and autobiographies and there is a lot of living to be learned.

There is so much to learn about the world, we can't possibly experience it all in one lifetime, so I am reading again because: "A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one." - George R.R. Martin    

 
Lesson Seven: Positivity is always a choice - as is playing the victim
Initially I had "Happiness is a choice", but I don't believe that, or think it is always necessary for that matter. In fact I think it is important to recognise how you are feeling and why you are feeling that way, because as I have also realised, the times that I was hurting the most in my life - always caused me to make a change for the better. 

However, while it is tempting to "play the victim" in negative situations and whinging, moaning, and blaming somebody else for your problems may prove "temporary relief" - ultimately, it will not help you grow.

I still have to remind myself of this regularly, but I am getting better on the positivity front. So now if something doesn't go as planned or I feel down, I can comfort myself in the fact that something better is around the corner.

 
Lesson Eight: Having had your heart broken allows you to become a better partner
This one I probably pondered upon the hardest: what good could possibly come of having had your heart broken and having to experience all that pain?
 
But it did show me two things: Firstly, I really truly did love my ex with all my heart and of that I am proud, and secondly I now consider it a part of the human experience.

In a way, I think that the next person I fall in love with will have to have experienced heart break before (and dealt with it!), because it gives you a new understanding of truly treasuring a person and their love, as well as doing everything within your power to never intentionally inflict that pain onto another person.



Lesson Nine: Often when people get angry - they are actually scared
This one I recently read in a book, and although it sounded like it could be true, I couldn't quite grasp what it meant. 

Forward a few days and I got agitated about something and for experiment's sake I questioned myself: what about this is it that I am I scared of?

Well sure enough there was something I was scared about, and this realisation helped resolve my issue with the situation. 

 
Lesson Ten: I need to practice the art of letting go
Be it of my perfectionism, untrustworthy/unreliable "friends", fear of judgement... the list of things I can practice "letting go" is inexhaustible and I can be stubborn at the best of times, so this is a big one for 2018 - I will not chase things or people that are not meant for me.


And that's a wrap! So there is my "wisdom" from 2017, and it should be noted, that while I have learned these lessons, some will still take substantial practice throughout 2018, and perhaps a lifetime, but that is the thing about new beginnings - you start.

Yours truly,
Fräulein SoulFood x